My friends, I have seen the light. For so much of my life, I have been going about things all wrong. Is this about my reviewing, my demeanor, or even my progress through life? No, today I speak of a loftier topic, an activity with much higher stakes.
I have been commenting incorrectly on the Internet.
Comments don’t need to be clever, or incisive, or funny. Instead, they need to prove a point. What point? Well, some might believe that the point of your comments should be determined by the situation, on a case-by-case basis. However, those people are fools. Comments obviously just need to affirm your own point, as your own opinions are all that matter in the world.
Fact-checking? No, facts are for the weak and the infirm. You, the superior commenter, will plant yourself like a cancerous growth beside the post that offends you, and tell the world, “No, I will not move. You move!”
No topic is indefensible for one of your fiery determination. Rape added to a storyline for nothing more than shock value? No problem! Your defense will be, “But it only happened a bit!” If they press further, attempt to confuse the issue by insisting that all characters are clearly “underage and willing,” even though that isn’t the case.
Brush off any concerns! If you close your eyes and stop your ears, and repeat loudly, “I can’t hear you,” they can’t make you agree with the facts! For bonus points, demonstrate a manifest lack of understanding of what the issue actually entails – if you refuse to believe that a lack of consent means rape, and persist in your ignorance, people trying to explain it to you will get frustrated and go away! Then you win! Not giving a damn about victims has worked for society for thousands of years; why shouldn’t you let it work for you?
Thank you, Anonymous. Thank you for sharing with us your dazzling techniques, your indomitable will, your matchless eloquence. Truly, we are better for the experience.
Amen, hallelujah, peanut butter.